You won't make yourself a bit realler by crying...there's nothing to cry about.

This post might honestly be harder for me than I’d hoped for but I guess c’est la vie.  That’s life.  I have always loved Tweedle Dum and Tweedle Dee, not really sure why but I have.  And this particular quote struck me extra hard today so I figured I have to write about it.

It’s funny how no matter how old I get or how mature I think I am, there are still certain faults that are hard for me to break.  I am super emotional and on top of that extremely extroverted.  I don’t keep things to myself very often so when I have something on my mind or something is bothering me, I have to tell someone…or everyone.  I’m terrible at keeping secrets or surprises.  I mean, I’m blogging about my emotions right now for anyone who wants to read about them!  And I guess the reason I like to share my emotions is because the more I share, the more I think people will understand where I’m coming from, how I really feel…make myself seem like more of a real person.  Because when I keep my emotions in, I feel set apart from everyone else and no one understands me.  So I share and I emote and I cry to make myself seem more real to others.

The sad thing is it often has the opposite effect.  I share too much and people around me get overwhelmed.  They leave or they push me away because they don’t feel the same or just don’t know how to deal with all of me.  

But what I’m learning is that it’s not a fault that I have to fix.  It’s the way I was created.  It's just me being me.  And in life there will be a LOT of people that will not be able to take all of you as you are, and that’s ok.  Those people are not meant to stay in your life.  You take the lessons you were meant to learn and you move on.  It's hard and it hurts but it's the truth.  

So, no crying won't make me more real and in the end, there really isn't anything to cry about, but sometimes it's just what I need to do.  So thank you God for making me the way I am and thank you to my friends who stick by me through all of my emotional roller-coasters.   

My dear, here we must run as fast as we can, just to stay in place. And if you wish to go anywhere you must run twice as fast as that.

I actually laughed out loud when I came across this quote from the White Queen.  I was trying to figure out what I could possible tell you about this week because for me it's been a rather relax one.  But thinking about it, that's not true at all!  We filmed last Sunday, had another production meeting for the feature film, plus class, auditions, work and oh not to mention Disneyland...I've actually been pretty busy!

It's so funny how you can learn to manage so many things at once that it feels like you're not doing much of anything at all.  I do feel like in my life I have to keep running as fast as I can to maintain where I am.  That's the business out here, constantly running, moving and staying ahead of the curve.  So much so that staying on the curve feels like you're taking it easy.  But of course, as the White Queen points out, if you want to get anywhere you have to run twice as fast.  And it's so hard!

I mean think about it, in order to get anywhere you basically have to push harder than you are physically able to do.  It's a wonder that everyone out here doesn't give up because it really takes a lot out of you.  You have to always stay positive and creative and be super resourceful (because there's no money in it until you book something) all the while taking constant criticism and rejection.  Thank God for God!  Seriously!  I must be absolutely insane to keep wanting to do this...but I do!  I love the challenge.  I love making people smile and laugh!  And it takes a lot of my strength to run twice as fast to get there!  How do you get strength when you have none to go on..."He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak" Isaiah 40:29.  Yep.  Yep.  

So I'm out to keep running.  Work, class and rehearsal tonight, three meetings and a workshop tomorrow...maybe somewhere I'll squeeze in a social life.  Ha ha!

Love you!!

Kimberly 

Only a few find the way, some don't recognize it when they do - some... don't ever want to

"Only a few find the way, some don't recognize it when they do - some... don't ever want to."

I had to say it again because it’s such a good quote that I know everyone can relate to.  Isn't it funny how everyone wants more and expects more for their life yet no one really wants to put in the time, effort and work to make this better life happen?  And even when we do put the effort into a better life, new roads appear and doorways open that we didn't really want or expect.  So we avoid them, thinking that the path we planned  is the one we want even though God is trying to show us it's not the best life for us.  

 I know this has always been a big set back for me.  I know I am meant for better things but I have such an issue with planning.  I love having things on a set schedule and knowing what's coming next.  My friends will tell you, when things don't go as I plan, my whole world falls apart even if just for a minute until I can replan out the situation.  I guess I feel comfortable when I can control things.  But I can't!  I am never the one in control!  He is.  So why would I ever be so naive to think that I can control where my life is supposed to go?

Yes, I obviously have drive and passions that are essential to who I am, but just because I want my life to be one way doesn't mean that is how God planned it.  For instance, I don't like producing.  I never wanted to be a producer.  I think I have a tendency to need too many details which can be controlling and it affects friendships and professional relationships I have.  So I don't want to do it. I want to build my career by booking roles, being seen and eventually building my way up to getting my own show.  But the traditional way is taking a lot longer than I have the patience for.  And the industry is changing so much that it's a lot harder to succeed that way.  Plus, like I said, I'm a planner and I'm good with numbers.  You know what kinds of industry people plan and are good with numbers...producers.  

And there's nothing wrong with producing!  I just know for me, there's a lot of personal change that has to come in order for me to be an effective one.  But opportunities keep popping up and people keep reaching out to me to help make projects happen.  Plus I'm in the projects.  It really is exactly what I want.  But I have to produce.  It's a different road than what I had planned for myself.  But isn't it possible that this is a new door that God is opening for me?  And if I'm good at it, why would I not want to develop my skills to be better at it?  Well I am, it's just so funny that it's so not what I ever planned.  But it is leading to my dreams coming true.  And it's so natural for us to fight new opportunities that could be amazing just because it's not what we thought we wanted. 

Some of us may never find the right path because it won't look like the path we envisioned.  Others won't find the right path because they just don't want to and the reasons for that are infinite.  Some people in this world are so free and trust that not only is God in control but the path He has planned out is so much better than anything they could ever have imagined for themselves.  I don't know about you, but I want to be in that last group.  So here's to embracing new and unplanned paths!

Love you guys,
Kimberly

I can't go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.

I think the way we view our past is a little backwards.  We’re definitely supposed to learn from our past but too many people hold on to it as an example to follow to understand the future.  The funny thing is, how many times do situations or plans ever go exactly like they have in the past?  Almost never.  Our past teaches us lessons and makes us smarter but how can we really expect that things will always turn out the same.

For me, I think the past has always held me back.  I’m definitely one of those people that expect things to turn out the same.  I have a tendency to resist change.  Sometimes I still see myself as the chubby, lazy girl that never quite fit in.  But no one else sees or ever saw me that way.  And thinking this way has such a profound effect on my self-esteem that it’s detrimental to future successes.  I have never run a marathon and right now I’m training for a half.  This weekend I had to do an 8 mile run which was scary because I have never actually run that far.  But I did it!  I actually got through it but all the time leading up to it I thought this is going to be so hard!  I’ll never get through it!  But I did!  So why do I think that way?  Why does my brain, instead of looking at the successes I’ve made, and knowing that I can push myself to achieve more, choose to hold on to the negativity of my past?  Why do any of us do this for that matter?

So by saying I can’t go back to yesterday, I am telling the truth.  I can not physically go back to yesterday.  And I don’t want to because yesterday I had surgery on my tooth but for once, I didn’t pass out!  I’m getting better!  Everything is different about me today than it was yesterday so my new goal is to look forward and never backward.  I challenge you to do the same thing.  Learn from your mistakes but keep them in the back of your mind.  You learned those lessons so know that you know them and move on.  Look towards the future and know that you can make it different from your past.

It’s funny that I have been a Christian my entire life and I’m just now starting to really understand the importance of God in my life.  Before it was always like, I had this great power protecting me and watching over me as I walk through the challenges of my life.  But it’s not like that at all.  It’s more like I have a partner going through them with me, a best friend that is by my side the entire time.  As I said earlier I had surgery yesterday and it never fails that if I am dealing with intense pain, I pass out.  And it sucks.  I have passed out so many times in my life and it takes me soooooo long to recover so I was determined to figure out how to avoid it this time!  The Xanax helped some but I decided the entire surgery to stay in prayer.  And I did.  I had such a long conversation with God thanking him for being with me and thanking him for making me the strong person that I have grown to be.  It was incredible.  Not once did my mind go to that place of fear and panic.  And with God there with me, I figured out how to shake my past!

Ok, I think I’ve gone on long enough here.  So I’ll end with saying strive for more than your past.  Expect different outcomes each day.  Expect miracles!  I know I am because God is with me.  Don’t forget I have a movie funding campaign coming up in two weeks and I for one am not looking to my past and expecting to fail.  I know we’ll succeed and I can’t wait to be able to not only make and star in my own film but to really show everyone that if you put your mind to anything, you will succeed!  Don’t forget your past but really, forget your past!

Love,                                                                                                                                                        Kimberly