Who Are You?

I've honestly not been asked this question as many times as you'd think but when it's asked, it's usually not in a positive way.  Think about it, the difference between "what's your name" and "who are you" is pretty big.  The latter is almost a request to validate your presence and prove your importance in a given situation.  And this brings me to my next topic about Los Angeles.

I actually had a teacher say once that the streets and the sidewalks of LA actually whispered these words to people.  And in a way it's true.  You really do wonder day in and day out what your purpose is in this city and if you're even supposed to be here.  So many people in this city are so much more important than me; who am I to be here?  Life here is definitely not unbearable but it's also not easy.

The funny thing is, I've come to notice this question a lot less in my life. But for some reason, it jumped in yesterday in a big way and I think it was answered best with the words of Matthew West.  Let me set up the situation for you...The past couple of weeks I have been working with a friend to produce a feature film. Yes, I mean a big one, like the ones you see in the movie theaters.  Me!  I am doing this!  But it's hard.  Like really hard.  You have to talk to a lot of people and you have to find money from people and it's just HARD.  You have to do a lot of proving to others who you are and validating why you are doing this.

So a lot of negativity has been creeping in and I've been wondering if I even should be doing this.  I've looked it over and prayed about it and it seems to stand in my mind and my heart that this is actually the path I'm supposed to take.  It hit me yesterday when the question came to mind, who am I to do something like this?  I noticed immediately that this was not one of my thoughts.  Call it what you want but I know what it's like to be attacked when your faith is renewed and strengthened.  That's what was happening.  And I answered that question.  I am a "child of the one true king."  And last time I checked "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." Philippians 4:13

Now am I saying that Jesus is telling me to take this particular script and that it is God's will that I make this film, no.  But what I am saying is that for once, I have a true understanding that God is my foundation.  He gives me the strength to do things that would seem impossible.  He knows my heart and has given me my dreams.  I know that I can do this and I know who I am.  And it's pretty freaking exciting!

We're All Mad Here

With the end of this year's Comic Convention in San Diego, I can't help but hear this quote over and over in my head.  "We're all mad here." And according to the rest of the world, we are!  

Before I moved to Los Angeles, the idea of wearing a costume was strictly reserved for being on set or for Halloween.  Themed parties would come once in a while but nothing that was ever a big deal.  I swear to you, now I have something to wear a costume to monthly if not weekly...and it's AWESOME!  

And on top of that, people out here are so creative!  I love that most people don't just buy costumes out of the shops or online, they make them.  And they look amazing.  That's one of the things that is so exciting about ComiCon!  You not only expect the costumes are going to look amazing but if you choose to dress up too, you better be on point!   

Unfortunately I was unable to go to ComiCon this year but I have an awesome X-23 ready for next year!  I should probably start making my Avengers one now...

Most of my costume dressing comes from my birthday parties.  I play Princess Merida (yes complete with accent), Queen Elsa and of course, my beloved Alice for Princess Parties.  And yeah, the little girls I go to visit have a lot of money and are way more blessed than me, but it's so amazing seeing their eyes light up when they realize that the Queen of Arendelle flew all the way to say hi for their special day.  

But again, this is nothing out of the ordinary!  It's like, you know that kid that you leave alone with 3 crayons and she (or he) turns out this amazing, 50 colored drawing of the Northern Lights?  This city is full of them!  Creativity thrives out here.  It's not just a hobby though, it's a lifestyle.

When I get bored, I create.  Even if it's just coloring in a coloring book, I have to make something.  And that's what filmmakers do.  A lot of you have seen the parody I made with my friends of Game of Thrones...that's what we do.  We pick up a camera, vigorously write out a script that makes sense and tells a feasible story and we shoot it...for the world to see.  And it's so thrilling!  Yeah, you get feedback from some people that think it looks stupid or they could have done it better, but they watched it.  They don't know me and they still watched it!!

So I guess that's my point this time...we are all mad here.  And that's ok.  Because we are all dying to show you our crazy so that you can watch it and say, wow, that person is creepy, or she's funny or what is wrong with that guy!  We don't want to be normal.  Normal is weird here...

 

Following the White Rabbit

It becomes apparent in everyone’s life that they have to make a decision what they want to do or be when they grow up.  Honestly, for me it wasn’t an easy decision and to this day, I didn’t choose my profession.  It chose me. 

I still remember the first weekend I spent in Los Angeles.  My parents drove with me and spent the few days we had unpacking and doing the best we could to make my apartment in Koreatown as cozy as possible.  Those few days flew by and before I knew it, we were heading to the airport.  They were flying back to Texas and I was flying to Las Vegas to see a friend for her birthday.  Back home, all of the airport terminals were connected so it was no big deal to rush my parents in to their terminal so I could get to mine, check in and meet them on the other side for lunch before saying goodbye.  Except that I wouldn’t get to. 

I had never been so far away from my parents as I was about to be in all my life and the reality of it crushed me.  Believe me when I say that I sat on the floor of the airport with my head in my hands, tears streaming around me.  I truly was in that moment, Alice crying at the door. 

I guess you would be justified in calling me dramatic.  Guilty.  But I can’t change who I am.  And when I say I’m dramatic, I don’t mean I’m a drama queen and I create drama.  I mean that I feel with emotions so strong and deep, that it takes my breath away when others would carry on.  I remember once when I was younger trying to explain to my Dad what it was like being able to cry on cue.  I’m not really sure to this day if I truly could explain it other than I can feel deeply and do feel deeply about everything. 

So when I say acting chose me, it’s like there was no logical alternative for me.  And I love it.  The more and more I follow the white rabbit of a success in LA, the more excited and curious I become about this never ending wonderland that unfolds around me!  The possibilities to create and collaborate are endless and constantly emerging.  All you have to do is want it and work for it.

But the problem comes when everyone in the “real world” looks into this wonderland.  What they see is very different from those of us that followed the white rabbit.  We see a chance to reach people on a bigger scale, to make things that touch people in a way that nothing else can, to leave an impression on people that will last a lifetime!  What everyone else sees is a land of waste and fairytales.  They don’t see performers and artists doing everything they can to make their businesses successful, they see people wasting their lives, bumming and hoping someone else will like them and make them famous.

  I guess I don’t really know where I wanted to go with all this other than to really define myself.  I love what I do and I’m working hard to make sure I get to do it more often.  So, with that being said, I have to go.  I’m still looking for the white rabbit…