You won't make yourself a bit realler by crying...there's nothing to cry about.

This post might honestly be harder for me than I’d hoped for but I guess c’est la vie.  That’s life.  I have always loved Tweedle Dum and Tweedle Dee, not really sure why but I have.  And this particular quote struck me extra hard today so I figured I have to write about it.

It’s funny how no matter how old I get or how mature I think I am, there are still certain faults that are hard for me to break.  I am super emotional and on top of that extremely extroverted.  I don’t keep things to myself very often so when I have something on my mind or something is bothering me, I have to tell someone…or everyone.  I’m terrible at keeping secrets or surprises.  I mean, I’m blogging about my emotions right now for anyone who wants to read about them!  And I guess the reason I like to share my emotions is because the more I share, the more I think people will understand where I’m coming from, how I really feel…make myself seem like more of a real person.  Because when I keep my emotions in, I feel set apart from everyone else and no one understands me.  So I share and I emote and I cry to make myself seem more real to others.

The sad thing is it often has the opposite effect.  I share too much and people around me get overwhelmed.  They leave or they push me away because they don’t feel the same or just don’t know how to deal with all of me.  

But what I’m learning is that it’s not a fault that I have to fix.  It’s the way I was created.  It's just me being me.  And in life there will be a LOT of people that will not be able to take all of you as you are, and that’s ok.  Those people are not meant to stay in your life.  You take the lessons you were meant to learn and you move on.  It's hard and it hurts but it's the truth.  

So, no crying won't make me more real and in the end, there really isn't anything to cry about, but sometimes it's just what I need to do.  So thank you God for making me the way I am and thank you to my friends who stick by me through all of my emotional roller-coasters.   

My dear, here we must run as fast as we can, just to stay in place. And if you wish to go anywhere you must run twice as fast as that.

I actually laughed out loud when I came across this quote from the White Queen.  I was trying to figure out what I could possible tell you about this week because for me it's been a rather relax one.  But thinking about it, that's not true at all!  We filmed last Sunday, had another production meeting for the feature film, plus class, auditions, work and oh not to mention Disneyland...I've actually been pretty busy!

It's so funny how you can learn to manage so many things at once that it feels like you're not doing much of anything at all.  I do feel like in my life I have to keep running as fast as I can to maintain where I am.  That's the business out here, constantly running, moving and staying ahead of the curve.  So much so that staying on the curve feels like you're taking it easy.  But of course, as the White Queen points out, if you want to get anywhere you have to run twice as fast.  And it's so hard!

I mean think about it, in order to get anywhere you basically have to push harder than you are physically able to do.  It's a wonder that everyone out here doesn't give up because it really takes a lot out of you.  You have to always stay positive and creative and be super resourceful (because there's no money in it until you book something) all the while taking constant criticism and rejection.  Thank God for God!  Seriously!  I must be absolutely insane to keep wanting to do this...but I do!  I love the challenge.  I love making people smile and laugh!  And it takes a lot of my strength to run twice as fast to get there!  How do you get strength when you have none to go on..."He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak" Isaiah 40:29.  Yep.  Yep.  

So I'm out to keep running.  Work, class and rehearsal tonight, three meetings and a workshop tomorrow...maybe somewhere I'll squeeze in a social life.  Ha ha!

Love you!!

Kimberly 

Only a few find the way, some don't recognize it when they do - some... don't ever want to

"Only a few find the way, some don't recognize it when they do - some... don't ever want to."

I had to say it again because it’s such a good quote that I know everyone can relate to.  Isn't it funny how everyone wants more and expects more for their life yet no one really wants to put in the time, effort and work to make this better life happen?  And even when we do put the effort into a better life, new roads appear and doorways open that we didn't really want or expect.  So we avoid them, thinking that the path we planned  is the one we want even though God is trying to show us it's not the best life for us.  

 I know this has always been a big set back for me.  I know I am meant for better things but I have such an issue with planning.  I love having things on a set schedule and knowing what's coming next.  My friends will tell you, when things don't go as I plan, my whole world falls apart even if just for a minute until I can replan out the situation.  I guess I feel comfortable when I can control things.  But I can't!  I am never the one in control!  He is.  So why would I ever be so naive to think that I can control where my life is supposed to go?

Yes, I obviously have drive and passions that are essential to who I am, but just because I want my life to be one way doesn't mean that is how God planned it.  For instance, I don't like producing.  I never wanted to be a producer.  I think I have a tendency to need too many details which can be controlling and it affects friendships and professional relationships I have.  So I don't want to do it. I want to build my career by booking roles, being seen and eventually building my way up to getting my own show.  But the traditional way is taking a lot longer than I have the patience for.  And the industry is changing so much that it's a lot harder to succeed that way.  Plus, like I said, I'm a planner and I'm good with numbers.  You know what kinds of industry people plan and are good with numbers...producers.  

And there's nothing wrong with producing!  I just know for me, there's a lot of personal change that has to come in order for me to be an effective one.  But opportunities keep popping up and people keep reaching out to me to help make projects happen.  Plus I'm in the projects.  It really is exactly what I want.  But I have to produce.  It's a different road than what I had planned for myself.  But isn't it possible that this is a new door that God is opening for me?  And if I'm good at it, why would I not want to develop my skills to be better at it?  Well I am, it's just so funny that it's so not what I ever planned.  But it is leading to my dreams coming true.  And it's so natural for us to fight new opportunities that could be amazing just because it's not what we thought we wanted. 

Some of us may never find the right path because it won't look like the path we envisioned.  Others won't find the right path because they just don't want to and the reasons for that are infinite.  Some people in this world are so free and trust that not only is God in control but the path He has planned out is so much better than anything they could ever have imagined for themselves.  I don't know about you, but I want to be in that last group.  So here's to embracing new and unplanned paths!

Love you guys,
Kimberly

I can't go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.

I think the way we view our past is a little backwards.  We’re definitely supposed to learn from our past but too many people hold on to it as an example to follow to understand the future.  The funny thing is, how many times do situations or plans ever go exactly like they have in the past?  Almost never.  Our past teaches us lessons and makes us smarter but how can we really expect that things will always turn out the same.

For me, I think the past has always held me back.  I’m definitely one of those people that expect things to turn out the same.  I have a tendency to resist change.  Sometimes I still see myself as the chubby, lazy girl that never quite fit in.  But no one else sees or ever saw me that way.  And thinking this way has such a profound effect on my self-esteem that it’s detrimental to future successes.  I have never run a marathon and right now I’m training for a half.  This weekend I had to do an 8 mile run which was scary because I have never actually run that far.  But I did it!  I actually got through it but all the time leading up to it I thought this is going to be so hard!  I’ll never get through it!  But I did!  So why do I think that way?  Why does my brain, instead of looking at the successes I’ve made, and knowing that I can push myself to achieve more, choose to hold on to the negativity of my past?  Why do any of us do this for that matter?

So by saying I can’t go back to yesterday, I am telling the truth.  I can not physically go back to yesterday.  And I don’t want to because yesterday I had surgery on my tooth but for once, I didn’t pass out!  I’m getting better!  Everything is different about me today than it was yesterday so my new goal is to look forward and never backward.  I challenge you to do the same thing.  Learn from your mistakes but keep them in the back of your mind.  You learned those lessons so know that you know them and move on.  Look towards the future and know that you can make it different from your past.

It’s funny that I have been a Christian my entire life and I’m just now starting to really understand the importance of God in my life.  Before it was always like, I had this great power protecting me and watching over me as I walk through the challenges of my life.  But it’s not like that at all.  It’s more like I have a partner going through them with me, a best friend that is by my side the entire time.  As I said earlier I had surgery yesterday and it never fails that if I am dealing with intense pain, I pass out.  And it sucks.  I have passed out so many times in my life and it takes me soooooo long to recover so I was determined to figure out how to avoid it this time!  The Xanax helped some but I decided the entire surgery to stay in prayer.  And I did.  I had such a long conversation with God thanking him for being with me and thanking him for making me the strong person that I have grown to be.  It was incredible.  Not once did my mind go to that place of fear and panic.  And with God there with me, I figured out how to shake my past!

Ok, I think I’ve gone on long enough here.  So I’ll end with saying strive for more than your past.  Expect different outcomes each day.  Expect miracles!  I know I am because God is with me.  Don’t forget I have a movie funding campaign coming up in two weeks and I for one am not looking to my past and expecting to fail.  I know we’ll succeed and I can’t wait to be able to not only make and star in my own film but to really show everyone that if you put your mind to anything, you will succeed!  Don’t forget your past but really, forget your past!

Love,                                                                                                                                                        Kimberly

Sometimes I've believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast.

 This quote come from the Alice in Wonderland books and was said by the White Queen.  It’s so great because it expresses the importance of maintaining a good imagination.  Our imagination gives us the ability to leave the world we live in and create one of our own.  We can do things we have never thought possible, go places we have never been and create things no one else could dream of.  Imagination is so important because it inspires us to think outside the box, making the real lives we live more creative!

I have never considered myself an inspiration to others but the last two weeks, I’ve been told by more people than ever before that I’m inspiring.  I’m finding that it’s both a blessing and a burden to be inspirational!  Knowing that others are looking at you as an example to follow puts a huge weight on your shoulders to not disappoint.  I’ve never been ok letting others down so being called an inspiration has given me a new level of accountability.  I have to keep pushing to succeed so that others will know that bringing your dreams to fruition is always possible.  Never give up!

So in three weeks, we’re starting our funding campaign for our feature film, set to begin shooting in February/March.  A lot of people have told me that this is impossible because I’m doing it without studio money but I know it’s not.  I could not be more excited about the strides that we’re making and the feedback I’m getting on the work I’ve put into it.  I can’t wait to not only star in this film that I, of course with the help of my team, have made but just to know that I CAN MAKE A FILM.  New things are happening in Hollywood and more people than ever are making their own material without the studios.  Believe me, it’s a lot of hard work but it’s also so much more freeing to know that you are in control of the decisions being made.  I am in control of my own career and I don’t need anyone else’s permission to do it!

Well, I think I’ve gone on long enough for today.  Keep an eye out for the campaign starting October 21 on Indiegogo for Beachwood Drive.  I’ll be sharing more with you guys about the pre, production and post processes but for now keep imagining!  Imagine anything and everything you can!  Then let your imagination guide you as you follow your dreams, even if you’re following them alone!

Love love love,

Kimberly

Oh dear, I do wish I hadn't cried so much...

I mean I do because I cry… A LOT!  I just always have.  The funny thing is though, for me crying is a way for me to purge.  Little stresses and worries build up and once a month, lately once a week or even a day, I just cry!  I cry to the point where I’m honestly surprised I’m not suffering from dehydration sometimes.  It’s not that I’m crying because I’m scared or I’m sad, I just have to get everything out of my system!  And afterwards, I feel so refreshed and new and ready to get back to being productive! 

Yes I’m sure there are more appropriate ways of dealing with stress but for me, crying just works.  Although I’m pretty sure my managers at work think there is something seriously wrong with me…oh well.  I’m embracing me for me, right?  If after this many years I haven’t learned to let it go, I don’t know if I ever will.  Plus, let’s be honest, I’m just a dramatic person so there you go.  Anywhere else in this world, people would have me committed but here they just shake their heads and say “she’s an actress.”  J

Now sometimes I do lose focus and feel a little lost and those tears definitely come from a different place.  Those tears usually happen on Sunday mornings…and boy did they ever flow this morning!  Today was one of those God smack days where He reminds you that He’s in control and everything is taken care of.  It was like I was being held and reminded that I am safe.  And I felt so ashamed!  I was ashamed that I could have the fears and the worries that I have because I have always been taken care of before.  Why should I now fear that things would be different?  Like I didn’t trust in Him and it broke my heart that I could be so doubtful of His plan for me.  So yep, I cried, no bawled this morning.

So I guess for those of you who have dealt with my outbursts this week, because there were a lot of them, thank you…and I’m sorry.  I’ll try to control the river from my eyes but it’s unlikely.  Maybe I just need to start putting myself on a cry schedule!  Then it won’t interfere with the rest of my life and freak so many people out.  I guess I do have to maintain some level of professionalism around others!  Until then, I’ll continue being Alice because we know she cried over eeeeeeeeverything!  And I love her!  So go cry it out people because its ok!

Love,

Kimberly

I'm not crazy, my reality is just different than yours.

Thank you Cheshire Cat!  I may have just found my new life slogan.   Ha ha!  Brilliant!  But seriously, I know my blogs are all about rants about how LA is soooooo different from everywhere else in the world but why?  Because it’s a land of dreamers?  It’s a place where thousands of people flock every year because they know they’re different from everyone else and they know that this is the one place where they won’t be judged for being different…

Except that’s exactly what happens here.  We’re all judged.  For the clothes we wear, our hair styles, make-up, cars we drive.  You name it, it’s judgeable and judged.  But the people who really succeed out here, are the ones that DON’T CARE!

I’m serious!  It’s an amazing thing and granted it takes a while to realize it.  I’ve been  called crazy a lot in my life…I mean  a LOT and I’m finally to the point where I realize, I’m actually not.  I’m “crazy” because I’m driven, passionate, really care about others and put their happiness before my own. Wow, I think if there were more people like me, the world wouldn’t be such a bad place.   I mean, true everyone would have to be fans of the Cowboys and Longhorns but at least we would find a successful way to make football season a year round thing!

A friend told me earlier this week that I’m wife material.  I’m not sure how I feel about it considering I’m still single but it definitely makes me feel better knowing that I’m considered respectable.  I mean, ultimately it only matters what you think about yourself but it’s nice to know others are on the same page.  And I can only credit my family for teaching me important values growing up.  But good Lord, could you imagine me married with kids?!!  I did once…imagine it that is.  Oh well, when the time is right. 

For now, I guess I’ll keep dancing to the beat of my own drum because that is ultimately how you survive out here.  Make your own music, your own story and get lost in it.  Eventually others will start listening to it and reading along and realize that your crazy is actually a little bit of genius…  So have fun with it.

Love,

Kimberly